I had lunch and coffee with my soul brother today.  After we had ordered our food, he reached into his knapsack and said, "I have something to show you" ... I said, "Something good or something bad??" ... he smiled and said, "Something good" ... and then proceeded to pull out a stack of what looked to me like pieces of paper. 

 

Then the realization dawned - he was showing me some of the cards and letters and notes that I had written him between the years of 1993 and 1995 - which he had kept  all these years, even though he had stayed overseas for a while, returned to Malaysia, switched residences since, gotten married, started a family, changed jobs ... Can you imagine how surprised and touched I was?

 

 

 

 

I read through them when I got home, and then was even more surprised to realize that the sentiments I expressed then, back in the early to mid 90's, haven't changed because the dynamics of our relationship has never changed through all these years.  We still share an openess and honesty in our conversations.  We still trust each other enough to be completely ourselves.  We are still there for each other.  We still share a deep connection.  I still appreciate the friendship that we share.  I still love him to bits.

 

I sent him an sms telling him that he could easily just change the dates on the cards/notes/letters, and I would still mean today what I had written 16 years ago.  He sent me a reply:  You don't have to say it, I already know.  And vice versa too.

 

I can't help but think that life means so much more when you have such true friends to share it with.

 

 

 

 

 

Taught my first class yesterday after 3 weeks!  It was only about an hour and a bit - and then after that I took Mel to the bookstore - and then we went for dinner.  I was out for about 5 hours.  I was SO exhausted by the time I got home, so I guess I'm not quite there yet physically - but definitely getting there.  Was in bed by 9pm, heh.

 

Still really looking forward to Tioman this weekend though! 

 

 

 

 

This was our living room at 8:28pm last night ....

 

 

 

 

This was it at 8:30pm ...

 

 

This is what we did, picture taken with my camera flash on ...

 

 

 

 

This is what it was REALLY like ...

 

 

 

Ever tried playing card / board games by candlelight??  Couldn't tell black from red from blue!!  But it sure was an entertaining way to pass 60 minutes of blackout. 

 

It was also really neat to stand on our balcony and watch lights go off within the immediate and surrounding neighborhoods.  Even that huge ass spotlight at the KLGCC went off.  Way cool.

 

Hope you had as much fun doing your part as we did!

 

 

 

 

It's Earth Hour tonight, from 8:30pm to 9:30pm ...

 

 

 

 

We'll be doing our part ... what will YOU be doing?!

 

 

 

 

I am back to being 100% now, and will be going back to work this coming week!  I have been out of commission for 3 weeks and CANNOT wait to get back to teaching and travelling.  I have a trip to Tioman on the 3rd April with some waaay fun ladies - and just to bring a touch of irony to my impatience at heading back out into the ocean, the ferry departs Mersing at THREE in the morning.  What the ... !!  I have been diving Tioman nine years, and this is the first time the ferry is leaving at such a ridiculous hour. 

 

I don't even know if I can arrange for any transport, seeing as we'll be arriving on the island at 5am - I can't imagine anyone willing to get up at that hour to ferry us to the

still sleeping resort - not to mention the dive center only officially opens at 9am - so it will be an adventure, if nothing else.  Thank goodness the ladies that are on this trip are all fun-loving and non-complaining.  Maybe I will try and arrange for the resort to hide the room keys under the floor mats or something!!

 

Who says God has no sense of humor!! 

 

In any case, I'm super looking forward to seeing and smelling and experiencing the ocean again.  It's been too long !  Plus it's time to upgrade my photo album on here - the last one was from Chinese New Year (!!) - so will definitely be taking my camera this trip.

 

Yay me!

 

 

 

 

I actually ventured out of the house yesterday, further than my neighborhood!  My bestest cousin, Kris - the master of all things wedding - what with his own boutique, wedding website , and numerous wedding publications - took me for a foot reflex session and lunch. 

 

It was nice to get out of the house for a bit, and even nicer to catch up with what's been going on in our personal lives.  Or more accurately, what's been going on in HIS life, as I have been stuck at home for 3 weeks now and have had no life - almost literally!

 

It was a great couple of hours - and the best thing is - I wasn't as tired as I thought I would be at the end of it all, though I did have an early night - so I guess I am almost 100% back to being ME.

 

Yay!

 

 

 

 

Yesterday was a real set back for me.  I thought I was doing better, but I really physically struggled through yesterday - just that overwhelming feeling of being tired all the time, when in actual fact, I haven't done anything physically exerting in two weeks.  It's extremely frustrating to be so energy-less.

 

I feel better today, though - slept like almost 12 hours last night.  Scary, ain't it??

 

I've noticed too the subtle - but distinct - changes that I've made to my lifestyle.  I no longer drink copious amounts of coffee.  Infact, I had my first cup today, after 2 weeks.  I thought I would withdraw from the caffeine like a meth addict going cold turkey.  But infact, I haven't.

 

I no longer leave my stomach empty.  I used to have coffee in the morning whenI got up.  Then have nothing except maybe more coffee till about 11am.  Grab a bite to eat.  Then have nothing except yet more coffee till dinner.  Now I wake up in the morning - have a cup of tea with lots of milk (never used to have milk before this, but doctor's advise as it lines the stomach!) - and have breakfast.  And a mid-morning snack.  And lunch.  And afternoon tea.  And dinner.  I have gone from one or two meals a day to five small meals!

 

I no longer count calories.  Before this, if I ate what I perceived to be too many additional calories, I would go for a run on the treadmill to work it off.  Now I just eat.  And guess what?  Contrary to what I used to believe, it doesn't add to my weight.

 

I no longer take my health for granted.  When I'm eating something and a small piece drops on the floor - I no longer pick it up off the floor and pop it in my mouth.  I wash my hands before I sit down and eat.

 

I appreciate my friends and family even more than I ever did before.  Your support and encouragement and humor and care have been amazing.

 

 

 

 

Today has been a struggle!

 

Despite having ten hours of solid sleep last night, I got up this morning and physically felt like I had been run over by a truck.  It was a struggle to haul myself out of bed, and it was a struggle to keep on my feet instead of just lying down.  I was fighting a type of weariness that seems to have seeped into my bones even.  It's hard to describe.

 

All I know is I've been fighting the exhaustion today and it's hard work!  Six hours till bedtime ...

 

 

 

 

Pssst .. hey, little brother .. wanna hear a joke?? .. whisper whisper ...

 

 

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ... you're so funny, kor kor ... !!!

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday was the first anniversary of my grandfather's passing away.  As we do every year to remember my grandmother's passing 5 years ago, and now with my grandfather as well, we gather at our family home to eat and to be merry and to remember.  Although I am still not feeling 100% well, I didn't want to miss this first year memoriam, so I went.

 

The atmosphere was light and cheery, and the food was simple but good - but I think it struck me how weakened I have become from fighting this bacterial infection because after just an hour, I was absolutely wiped.  I was drained and exhausted - and had zero energy left.  By the time I got home, I was knackered.  It took all I had left just to walk from the car to the elevator, and from the elevator to the apartment. 

 

I have never been so physically energy-less ever.  Sure, I've been tired.  Try doing 6 dives a day for 3 days!  But this is different.  This is a draining, sapping kind of exhaustion.  Which is actually very frustrating because my mind is working fine - but my physical abilities are so hampered and limited by this excruciatingly overwhelming fatigue.

 

No fun.

 

 

 

 

10.   You cannot afford to be sick if you don't have health insurance or mega savings.  My hospital bill came up to a whopping RM698.15.  My outpatient doctor bills came up to RM160.  For just one week.

 

9.   Your taste buds change when you are ill.  Prior to this, I only ever drank water and coffee.  I now drink Milo and Ribena.  Water is the worst tasting thing to drink when you don't feel well.    

 

8.   You need to learn to burp and fart, rather than let the gas build up inside you.  Gas creates all sorts of internal problems.

 

7.   You need to eat regular meals on a daily basis.

 

6.   I will never complain again about wanting to lose weight.  In the last week, I have lost 2.5 kg, and have now achieved my target of weighing below 50 kg.  But instead of looking thin, I just look gaunt and ... hollow.  Weight is but a number.  Healthy is the way to go.

 

5.   Motilium, Drolaverine and Buscopan will make you feel like you're walking on air.  But if you want to really knock out, Ciprobay and Panadol will do the trick.    

 

4.   Never ever underestimate the power of prayer.  When you don't understand something and you're grasping at straws, faith is the way to go.

 

3.   Never underestimate the power of a mother's love and the shit she will endure to make you feel better, including getting up at all sorts of hours of the night and wee morning, just to try and ease your discomfort.  Or maybe it's just my mom.

 

2.   Nothing shows you how much your family loves you than when your head is in a toilet bowl and you are puking your guts up, and your mom is holding your hair back, and your dad is patting your back, and your daughter is standing by with a glass of warm water.  If you don't make it to the toilet bowl on time, they even clean up your mess after you without complaining.

 

1.   You know you have amazing friends and extended family when they call your parents to see how you are countless times a day.  And then they do stuff.  One aunty boiled soup.  Another one heard that papaya leaves were good for fever, so walked around her neighborhood ringing on doorbells to collect them.  One brought purple sugar cane for my mom to boil into a drink for me.  One texted me to assure me of her prayers.  One friend said he'd be quite happy to come and just sit with me if I needed company.  One offered to take me to the docs. 

 

So many caring people!                                     

 

*****

 

I am, among all humankind, most blessed!

 

 

 

 

This is the first morning in a week that I have - (1) slept through the night - and (2) woken up and not felt like I was one, or a combination of, the following:

 

~  shitty

~  nauseated

~  feverish

~  aching joints

~  pounding head

~  tired

~  lethargic

~  listless

~  weak

 

I have NEVER been this ill EVER in my life as I was in the last week.

 

It started off harmlessly enough last Sunday.  We had a meeting with some folks at our shop.  I was feeling cold.  By the time I was sent home, my nose was pretty much stuffed up and I felt a fever coming on.  The flu, I thought.  Just enough time for me to get over it before my trip on the 15th (which is today, and which, obviously, I am not on).

 

Come Monday, my temperatures were rocketing.  It got to the point where they were so high, I would start shivering uncontrollably, and my family would heap blankets on me to stop the violent shaking - which would then bring the temperatures up some more.  Then it reached that level where mom had to literally strip me and sponge me down with cold water.  This is the most uncomfortable thing one can go through.  You're already cold, yet hot, and now you have to be wet too.  At one point I remember refusing to be sponged down, and in exasperation, heard Mel say to mom, "Why do you give her the choice??  You're her mother!  FORCE her!"  Well, they did.

 

By Tuesday, I was vomiting consistently, on top of having to deal with the soaring temperatures.  My fever wouldn't break, and now I was throwing up too.  Mind you, I hadn't eaten anything since Sunday evening, so there was nothing to bring up - just the painful heaving and the choking, the face-in-the-toilet-bowl crap.

 

By Wednesday, I was so weak - both just from not having eaten anything, as well as from dealing with the fever and the nausea - that I finally broke and allowed myself to be dragged to the doctor.  (i know, I know - why did I wait so long, right?)  I got a jab from him and tons of medication.  Came home - expected to feel better - but nada.  By evening, I was still puking.

 

Off to the hospital.  By the time we got to the Emergency unit, I couldn't even stand upright.  Infact, I almost passed out twice.  Got me into a wheelchair, took my blood pressure, checked my oxygen levels, checked my glucose levels.  Turns out my blood pressure was very low - probably just from not having eaten for 3 full days.  Put me on a drip as I was dehydrated from all that vomiting. 

 

Took my blood.  Negative for dengue, negative for that chick whatever thing - but it turns out my white blood cell count was very high.  Infact, extremely high.  Which the doc said meant that my body was fighting some bacterial infection.

 

Now I ask you - where in the HECK would I have gotten a bacterial infection from?!?  It's not like I've been doing humanitarian aid work in some poor third world country.

 

Had an intravenous antibiotic injection thing, right into my veins - which hurt - but by then, you know what - I just wanted them to do whatever it would take to stop this.  Also had an intravenous anti-vomiting injection thing.

 

Came home with MORE medication.  Felt better.  Everyone was like .. oh haha, over the worse now .. blah blah blah ..

 

Until the next morning. 

 

The vomiting stopped, but the fever continued.  And it drained me.  I was so so drained.  More shivering.  More sponging down.  Kept wolfing down the medication like it was candy.

 

Then I made the mistake of trying to eat something.  Mom made some soup.  I drank some.  Not much.  About half a bowl maybe.  And almost instantly, it came right back up.  And THEN the vomiting started again.

 

By Friday, my fever had broken, but I was still throwing up.  And now it hurt too.  The area around my ribcage and my stomach area.  It hurt like someone punched me in the guts.  It was hard to breathe.

 

Back to the docs on Saturday.  Another jab.  Yet more medication.  And then he goes - if you're still vomiting on Monday, you need to go to the hospital and get a stomach scope done.  I'm like .. say what?? 

 

By now, I was ready to throw in the towel and just die.  I think this is the closest I have ever come to just wanting to not even be alive anymore.  It took too much effort.  It was too painful.  I was weak, tired, lethargic.  It physically hurt me to walk across the room.  It hurt when I tried to lie down.  It hurt when I tried to sit up.

 

Now I was desperate.  My doctor is a kind gentle staunch Christian man.  I said to him - you need to pray for me.  He said - yes, I will. 

 

I went home and texted my friends - nothing is working.  You need to pray for me.  This is beyond physical now.

 

And now here we are - one week after all this started.  I slept well last night, for the first time in a week.  I woke up pain free.  Still weak, of course, but pain free.  I'm even feeling slightly peckish.

 

Is it too soon to say?  Probably.  But sometimes we just have to trust a Higher Power.

 

At some point this week, my doctor will be getting a card from me in the mail.  This is what it will say:

 

Dear Dr Wong,

 

I have never been so ill in my life, and never wish to be again!

Thank you for the consultations and the treatment - but especially the prayers.  I really believe it was the latter that did it.

 

God bless,

Lynette

 

 

 

 

I feel SO much more myself today, and am operating in a much clearer frame of mind.  I think I had some of you worried, so thank you to those of you who expressed your concerns, and offered your friendship.  Much appreciated!

 

If you don't have soul friends, then I urge you to find some - at least one - because I tell ya what - they make heck of a lot of difference when you need someone who understands you and accepts you and knows you. 

 

 

 

It's like you're lost and floating in the vast open ocean, and the wind is blowing, and a storm is raging - and then you find a little cove, and you go in - and it's peaceful and calm and sheltered.  And you just sit there, in this little sanctuary, until one of two things happen.  One, the storm around you blows over - or two, you find the strength to go out and face the storm.

 

Either way, that's what a soul friend will do for you.

 

 

 

 

I spent five hours talking with my soul brother today, and he made the overwhelming less 'over' and more merely 'whelming'.  I can handle whelming. 

 

He was patient as I stumbled around trying to find the words to verbally process what was going on in my spirit - and more importantly, he understood all that I couldn't put into words.  Eventually, as the hours progressed, he restored my ability to articulate, and that made all the difference in the world to me.  We shared from our hearts, and talked about faith, spirituality, relationships, destiny, fate, prayer, choices that we make, taking the responsibility for those choices, love, communication, transparency, forgiveness, God, emotional healing, moving on, luck, chance, the pursuit of contentment and peace, happiness.

 

Our conversation ranks as one of the most meaningful, inspirational, deep, soul-connecting, insightful, intimate conversations I've had about everything that is important to me and close to my heart.

 

To quote the writer, Amy Tan, "Hope has always allowed for all things.  Hope has always been there".

 

And that's what I took away with me after the five hours - that no matter what happens in life, there is always Hope. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wish today would just freaking END ...

 

 

 

I've been feeling so pissy of late, and I can't articulate why, which makes me even more pissy, and it ends up being a really vicious cycle of blearggghhhh.  I've also been quite busy at work, running up and down, operating in an environment of chaos and disorder - which probably adds somewhat to the pissiness.  I feel misunderstood by the people I'm surrounded by during the day - like no one really gets me (which they probably don't and I guess you can't blame them - but it irritates me anyway).

 

So in pure desperation, I called up a really old friend of mine who travels between here and Australia - and marvel of marvels, he happens to be in town.  We go back ages - more than 15 years - and he's always been like a brother to me - always very grounded and fair and profound and wise and calm.  Not known for irrational panic, or vicious bad moods, or displays of temper.

 

As soon as he picked up the phone, I wailed "I need a friend!!" ... which is pathetic, and which he immediately understood to mean that I am feeling bad about myself, and that I'm in a foul mood, and that I need to vent.

 

Being the sweetie that he's always been, he immediately made plans to meet up on Friday.  I totally look forward to sititng down with him and trying to untangle this mess in my head.  We always have really in-depth, heart-to-heart, honest, open, nono-judgmental, meaningful conversations.

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again - thank GOD for my soulmate friends. 

 

 

 

 

UGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

 

 

 

I'm still in a mellow, introspective mood - just reflecting on a bunch of different stuff.  I am totally frustrated by my inability to articulate - even to myself - what I am thinking and going through.  I hate that.

 

I read a book recently, and am reading one now, that speaks about the Christian faith. 

 

I was brought up in a Christian home, and did not have one of those radical conversions, where someone goes through a whole lot of shit in life, and they struggle through the crap, and then they finally hit rock bottom and when they do, they cry out for help and somehow God appears to them, and they are converted into - for want of a better term - religious fanatics.  Not always, so that's not a very fair statement to make - but I've met enough of those to know that they really irritate me, because then they go all judgemental and holier-than-thou on you.

 

The most perfect example of Christian faith that I have ever come across is mom.  She doesn't have the in-your-face type of spirituality.  It is a quiet, assured, deep, doubtless faith.

 

As for me, spirituality and faith isn't about theology, or tradition, or piety, or books, liturgies, sermons.  It is, instead, a way of life - a willingness to deal with the reality of God.  Therefore, I find I am most at peace and content - spiritually - when I am diving, or by the sea.  That's when I feel the closest to God, in my soul.  It's not that I go all serious and holy on you - it's something that goes deeper than that, right into my core being.

 

And for whatever reason, I wanted to get these thoughts down on my blog. 

 

 

 

 

I am feeling so introspective at the moment.  I want to try and find the words to describe what I am feeling because I am such a verbal processor, and it helps to clear the mind when one can put one's feelings succinctly into words.

 

The thing is, I have spent an amazing four days away from KL.  I have spent it meeting up with people and connecting with them on a fantastically profound level.  There is such an atmosphere of respect, understanding, communication.  These are principles that should never be compromised if you want to build lasting relationships.  It creates a foundation of mutual admiration for the experiences that people have gone, or are, going through - and it absolutely lays the ground work for trust and honesty.

 

Sharing a similiar history plays a part as well, of course - but I believe personality and character comes into play.

 

I think in life, one meets a lot of soulmates - people we instantly connect with - people who make positive contributions in our lives.  In the end, the bond that you have with these people create lasting, deep, meaningful, intimate friendships.

 

I consider myself so blessed to have these people in my life.  You know who you are!